i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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