I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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