worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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