I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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