I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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