What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
