She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
a search helicopter?!
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
