one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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