I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
