my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
