Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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