Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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