Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
