Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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