worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
