why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
