Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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