Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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