maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
