shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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