I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
