allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
