omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
