matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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