i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
