every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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