i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
