Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
