literally had 100 drinks last night.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
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you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
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The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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