She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
