Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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