I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
