hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
