So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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