bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
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I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
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No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize