There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
