mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
