Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
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I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
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I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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