I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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