I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
