just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
