can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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