Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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