My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
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Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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