Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
