Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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