Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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