You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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