someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
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So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
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I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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