There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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