Welp...herpes.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
