do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
