i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
