Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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