Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
