I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize